I am Angry, today.....

I am angry today.  It started Wednesday night.  And it has evolved to the current angry state.  Hopefully it will move on to forgiveness and/or acceptance so I can move forward.  But right now I am angry.

I will attempt to explain as briefly as possible, but brevity is not my best asset.

At my church, Parkesburg Mennonite Church, we have been going through a transition.  The pastor of 23 years retired last December.  A search committee was set up and spent many months deciding on what we were looking for, interviewing candidates and then bringing in their choice for a 'trial' sermon.  We liked him very much and saw him as a vehicle into a new and exciting era.  He accepted the post, knowing that all we could afford was a part time pastor.  He felt confident that he could find a job that would fill in the monetary hole.

He had fresh and interesting sermons.  He had wonderful, new ideas.  He had grand visions for a full church that could afford a full time pastor.

Wednesday night the two bishops who serve our church, called a congregational meeting.  Not many were there as it was called at the last minute.  The pastor and his family were there.

They told us that Pastor Randy was leaving and allowed him to read his resignation letter.  The pastor told us that he had tried to find other part time work so he could continue being our pastor and that it had not worked out.  He indicated that an inquiry from another church had come from out of the blue.   He indicated that he had not been looking.   He said it all happened so fast, but they were going to be moving to North Carolina.  He teared up and many around me were sobbing.  I had tears.  Our hopes were going up in smoke.

I immediately felt cheated.  He had agreed to shepherd us and he was bailing out.  He was leaving us, once again hurt and without leadership or direction.

The next day, I spoke to one of the Elders of our church.  They had planned to go visit Randy that evening to air out some things that had been left unsaid and we had a chance to talk openly and about things regarding this issue.  The Elder had noticed on Facebook that Randy had received a post regarding the fact that his house had already been sold and hoping that the bid on his new house would be accepted.  Plus he finally had posted pictures of their trip to Hickory.

So I have been stewing over all of this.  Hard as I try to say it did come about in a matter of a week or so, I just cannot fathom that.  He had to get the inquiry, then he had to consider it and then make the decision to go and visit the area, meet with the other church, get an offer of employment and work out those details, get his house ready to sell, on the market and sold all the while looking for a place in Hickory and putting an offer in on it.  Sorry, that is just way too much to have happened quickly!!  This has been in the works for a lot longer than a week or so. He had to have fudged those time lines to make us feel better.

Now that I am looking at things, he had never really taken ownership of this church.  He had not even taken time to visit at all of the member's homes.  I know that he was only actually, by keeping careful tabs on hours spent in church work, working the 30 hours per week he was being paid for and if he went over, then he skimped the next week.  His heart was not into being a true pastor.

So, right now, as more and more comes out, I am angry.  I am feeling as though we were used by a man who is lost in his own search.  I am feeling that we were only something to help pay his bills until something better came along and that he had never really stopped looking for that full time gig.

So I will be angry and pray for the ability to accept what he did and in time forgive him and move forward.  I hope that day comes soon as I do not like being angry, but I am and each day I get madder.  But I will move past this and once I turn it all over to God, I will find peace.

In the meantime, forgive me if I seem surly.  I am just struggling with my anger at the current situation.