Kind of a down couple of days....

The last couple of days have been more down-time than I would like.  But there are still days when I just feel like I do not want to be part of the human race and am quite content to just sit with Miss Molly and veg in front of the TV.

They say it takes years to get through the grieving process.  I can see progress from where I was in 2011, but there are just days when I miss Rudy so much... and recently being very mad at him for leaving me behind.  He was the one that seemed to keep me motivated day in and day out.  Without him around, there are days that I just plain, do not care because there is no one else who cares, either.

One of the things that I was told, early on, was that all of the people who were so there for me in the days immediately after Rudy died have moved back into their routines and busy lives and I am left to my own devices.

For example, I have found a way to seal the chimney that was sucking up water in rain that has kept water from seeping down the cinder block and into the wall.  I was told I needed a cap for the chimney and got one, per the dimensions I was given.  That was last summer.  It is still in the box on the deck.  Not really helping the chimney or wall.

The ugly wall is still here.  I have a half painted living room because I need to have the damage on that wall fixed and them a cover placed over it...I want some bead board paneling that can be painted to match the walls.  But I cannot do this myself.

I want to clean out the basement room where Rudy had his wood workshop and plane building room.  I want to turn it into my quilting/sewing workshop.  But again, I cannot do that myself.

So, I am angry at Rudy for leaving me.  I loved our life together.  I miss him.  And, hard as I try to get the new direction in my life going... there are just some things I need help with.  And everyone who was going to be there for me, are no longer there.  And the few who have hung in there for the last year... are too busy, too.  Besides, I hate to ask for help.  It was not something I never had to do as Rudy could do anything and together we managed to do it all.  Now I feel like I can do nothing.

Like I said, some down days.